


If You Don't Try

by HappinessisJuuzou (Moongirlx)



Category: Free!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, F/M, First Love, M/M, Marriage, Mentions of Fatal Illness, Mentions of Teen Pregnancy, Original Character Death(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possibly Unrequited Love, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-14 17:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 17,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8023255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongirlx/pseuds/HappinessisJuuzou
Summary: In which Nagisa loves Rei but never tells him, and how their lives continue after high school.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is very short but that's on purpose, some other chapters might be short too but it all depends on how wordy I get, haha.  
> Enjoy!  
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Nagisa had set his sights on Rei as a potential swim club member for a reason. 

It wasn't strictly because of the grace he exuded as he flew over the bar while pole vaulting, his muscular body lengthened and tensed as he glided through the air.

And it wasn't because of his girly name, either.

It was because from the first moment they spoke, Rei looking down at him with guarded violet eyes, refusing his proposition in a stern voice that was music to Nagisa's ears, Nagisa knew he had to get close to him. He couldn't explain it, but he felt the need to piece together the puzzle that was Ryuugazaki Rei.

Rei put on an air of unfriendliness, and hid behind glasses he was constantly pushing up and books he held much too close to his face, but Nagisa saw the soft expression in his eyes when he thought no one was looking, and how the wallpaper on his phone was a picture of the family cat.

He noticed the little things about him that Rei tried to conceal and those were the reasons he felt compelled to nag him until he joined the swim team.

\---

At Rei's first practice, Nagisa managed not to laugh out loud when Rei belly-flopped into the pool in his borrowed yellow speedo. He found Rei's perseverance to learn how to swim despite his inability very endearing.

He didn't let himself become outwardly flustered when Rei's hands gripped his in the pool during the fruitless breaststroke lesson. He watched as everyone, even Haru, failed at teaching Rei how to swim.

But what he couldn't ignore was the thumping of his heart, and the pride he felt when he saw Rei executing the butterfly stroke almost perfectly. He broke the surface of the water, gasping for air, navy locks plastered against his forehead, and Nagisa thought to himself that Rei's swimming was beautiful, maybe even more beautiful than that of Haru, which he admired so much.

If Nagisa had to pinpoint it, he'd guess that was the exact moment he began to fall for his team mate.


	2. Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto and Haru leave for university.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the short chapters but I want to make these first few chapters short snippets, like snapshots almost.
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

"I wish you weren't leaving Iwatobi." Nagisa mumbled as he clung to Makoto's jacket. Rei stood next to him, trying to pretend he wasn't as upset as he actually was, but Nagisa saw it in the clouding of his gemstone eyes and the pulled down corners of his mouth.

Nagisa flashed back to Nationals a few weeks ago, of the team hugging each other, all of them tearful, except for Haru, who was smiling. He thought of Rei and himself crying when Haru came back from Australia, when the realization sunk in that their older team mates would be leaving them shortly.

"I don't want to leave either, Nagisa, but the University of Tokyo is a really great school, and I got in, which I wasn't sure if I was going to, so I have to go." He laughed, though his eyes sparkled with tears, releasing Nagisa from their hug and ruffling his hair.

And then Nagisa was flinging himself onto Haru, who caught him and held him, his face giving away only a fraction of the sadness he felt at leaving his younger friends behind.

Rei hugged Makoto, who patted him on the back, and before pulling away, whispered "Take care of Nagisa," before giving Rei his signature, gentle smile.

Rei nodded, wondering why Makoto's words made him suddenly flustered. Nagisa had finally stopped hugging Haru, who was now bending down to pick up his luggage, as the train whistled in the distance, signaling it's arrival.

"We'll visit when we can, Nagisa, Rei." Makoto promised before giving each of them one more hug.

"Take good care of the swim club." Haru said quietly, before grabbing Makoto's hand and leading him towards the tracks just as the train stopped and the doors slid open with a whoosh.

Nagisa and Rei watched as the pair boarded the train, tears still steadily streaming down Nagisa's face. And then Rei's hand was on his shoulder, and Rei was murmuring, "I'm going to miss them too, Nagisa," in a choked voice.

Nagisa threw his arms around the taller boy's waist and squeezed tight, willing his tears to stop.

He had to remind himself that he wasn't alone, that he had Rei by his side, like he always was, always had been, for the past two years.


	3. Senior Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title implies, Nagisa and Rei's senior year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

Try outs were successful, and Rei and Nagisa found themselves a talented free style swimmer and a backstroke swimmer who was rusty, but would surely shape up after some practice.

Gou managed the swim team like the previous years, and after a few weeks of practicing and planning for the district meet, the new team worked like a well oiled machine on a good day.

Their freestyle swimmer, Kono Atsushi, was a boisterous and overconfident first year with a knack for getting in trouble. Regardless, he'd been swimming competitively since he began middle school, and was a great fit for the team.

Matsushima Takeo was a shy but very kind second year who'd never swam competitively but incorporated it into his workouts frequently. Backstroke was his strong suit, which fit perfectly into the team.

The five of them got along well, eventually extending their friendship past practice and lunches at school.

When surrounded by the team, Nagisa could almost manage to forget how he felt about Rei. As long as he could keep himself distracted, focused on other things, he could manage to keep those feelings to himself.

 

* * *

 

Their team was good, but not good enough to qualify for nationals. Nagisa saw the dejection on the younger team member's faces when their times flashed across the scoreboard, and tried desperately to reassure them afterwards that things would be better next year.

Takeo took it harder than Atsushi did, that was just in his nature. He looked almost as if he wanted to cry. Nagisa clapped him on the back and flashed his usual radiant smile. "It's okay, Takeo-kun. We did great anyway! Rei and I haven't made this announcement yet, but we've chosen you as the next captain. It's up to you and Atsushi to make this team run well next year, since Rei-chan and I won't be here."

And then the boy really did start to cry, but he was smiling as he thanked Nagisa again and again.

\---

The next day, the five of them sat in an ice cream parlor they frequented. Nagisa had his thumb pressed against the roof of his mouth, trying to quell the brain freeze that had set in, when suddenly Gou sat up straighter in her chair and exclaimed, "I have a really good idea!"

Nagisa eyed her suspiciously. Gou bursting out in the middle of nowhere with a "good idea" was about as worrisome as when Nagisa did it, as it usually involved something that could potentially get them in trouble. Nagisa narrowed his eyes suspiciously and waited.

She finished the last bite of her ice cream before answering. "Let's go back to my house and hang there. My brother left his alcohol stash when he moved out."

"I'm in!" Atsushi practically bellowed, already standing up from his chair. _Of course he's into this idea_ , m Nagisa thought. 

Gou looked expectantly at Rei and Nagisa. 

Rei pushed up his glasses and opened his mouth but before he could speak Gou cut him off. "I can already tell by your face that I'm not going to like your answer. Nagisa?"

Nagisa pondered it for a moment. Then he grinned. "Let's go!"

\---

Gou was already tipsy by the time she suggested they play truth or dare. Nagisa tried to convince his friends otherwise, but his protests were drowned out by Atsushi's cheers. His mind was racing. Gou and Rei were possibly two of the worst people to be involved in a game of truth or dare with. Gou was sharp, and picked up on things very quickly. If anyone knew about Nagisa's true feelings for Rei, it would be her. Which presented a problem, since Rei was playing too. God only knows what kind of weird thing she'd dare Nagisa to do, or worse, what if she asked him a question he couldn't answer?

He hid his inward panic very well, smiling and taking another shot of vodka, savoring the burn as Gou spun the bottle on the table they sat around. Much to his chagrin, it landed on him.

"Oooh, Nagisa's first! Truth or dare?"

He silently wondered which one would have a worse outcome, or if they held equal potential for disaster.

"Truth, I guess?" 

She narrowed her eyes at him, tapping her pointer finger on her lip in contemplation. "Do you have a crush on anyone, and if so, who?"

Nagisa could've sworn her gaze traveled to Rei just after she posed the question. He stared intensely at the carpet, his stomach burning with liquor and nerves.

"I don't like anyone."

"I'm having trouble believing that, but okay!" She trilled. "Spin the bottle, Nagisa!"

The bottle landed on Takeo, and the game continued without issue, and Nagisa found himself able to relax a little more each time the bottle didn't land on him.

\---

The night was coming to an end. Atsushi had fallen asleep at one point, after being dared to do a handstand, which apparently drained all the energy his drunk body possessed. Taeko and Rei were yawning repeatedly and Nagisa was complaining about hunger over the sound of Atsushi's snores. Gou demanded they play one last round. "Please, just one more! Then you can all go home and sleep or eat, or whatever you want to do." She pouted slightly as she spun the bottle. It landed on Nagisa again.

"Dare." He blurted without thinking. After all, what's the worst thing that Gou could make him do?

"Kiss Rei."

"Ehhhh?!" Nagisa realized that he had sobered up far too much to still be playing this game. He also found himself wondering if Gou had somehow rigged the bottle.

Gou shrugged. "Last round, I had to make it interesting."

He chewed on his lip. He definitely was not hungry anymore, his stomach instead twisting and turning with anxiety. "I mean, I guess... if it's okay with Rei, I have to do it...it _is_ a dare."

 Rei looked from Nagisa to Gou and back again, eyes wide and cheeks almost matching the frames of his glasses. Nagisa waited for him to protest, he expected it, but Rei didn't, simply nodded his head and scooted closer to Nagisa.

 _Its the alcohol. He's not drunk, sure, but he's tipsy. If he were sober he would never agree to this dare,_ Nagisa told himself, ignoring the pounding of his pulse in his ears as he leaned towards Rei. 

He put his hand behind Rei's neck to guide their faces together, coming so close he could feel the heat radiating off Rei's face and smell the raspberry vodka on his breath.

After a few seconds of this closeness, he moved forward just a hair and let his lips press against Rei's. The others were soft, and melded perfectly with his after the initial awkwardness of their teeth bumping slightly. 

With that kiss, everything Nagisa had been pushing down for the past three years threatened to bubble to the surface. All the love he harbored for his best friend that he longed to express but knew he had to keep hidden was threatening to spill out the minute he pulled away from the kiss.

So he didn't. 

He ignored the lump in his throat and threaded his fingers through Rei's messy indigo locks and deepened the kiss.

He expected Rei to panic and sputter and pull away, but he didn't. He kissed him back, willingly, enthusiastically almost.

Their friends had fallen completely silent. If either Rei or Nagisa had opened their eyes, they would have seen Gou staring at them with her mouth slightly open in shock, and Takeo staring pointedly at the floor.

Finally Nagisa felt he could relinquish Rei's lips without spilling his heart all over the coffee table they sat in front of.

He pulled away and scooted away from Rei, shrugging in response to Gou's stare.

 _It was just the alcohol. He never would have kissed me like that if he were sober,_ Nagisa repeated to himself like a mantra during the entire walk home from Gou's. Takeo had offered him a ride from his parents, but he needed to walk, to clear his head.

He fell asleep thinking of Rei's lips against his, wishing he could kiss him like that every day.

If only he had known that a few neighborhoods away, Rei was lying on his own bed, thinking the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is going to get interesting real soon, I swear. I enjoyed writing that kiss though. Haha.  
> Anyway I have a plan for where this is going so bear with me, a lot of set up has to be done for it to work :)


	4. School of Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

The six weeks remaining before graduation passed quickly.

Both boys opt for pretending that the kiss never happened, though at school the Monday afterwards, Rei seems unable to stop blushing whenever he speaks to Nagisa. 

Nagisa assumes it's because he's embarrassed of what he did while under the influence of alcohol, but in truth, every time Rei sees Nagisa's smiling face, he can't help but remember how good it felt to kiss him.

A week later, the kiss is pushed to the back of both their minds.

\---

"Rei-chan!" Nagisa bellows into the phone the second Rei picks up. "Did you check the mail? I got my letters!"

"Oh, um, let me check." There's a rustling of papers and then Rei makes a noise somewhere between a laugh and a gasp for air.

"I have received my letters as well."

"Don't open them yet! I'm coming over!"

Nagisa hangs up before Rei can respond, stuffing the envelopes into his bag and running the whole distance to Rei's house.

\---

He arrives ten minutes later, completely out of breath and trying to compose himself before Rei comes to the door.

Rei throws open the door, two envelopes clutched in one hand, the other hand on Nagisa's arm in an attempt to hurry him into the house.

"Which shall we open first?"

"Let's do second choice first," Nagisa said after a moment of thought.

They picked up their own respective envelopes from the University of Tokyo, Nagisa ripping his open while Rei delicately slid a thumb under the flap, dislodging the glue.

Both of their hands were shaking as they unfolded the letter inside.

Rei's face lit up while Nagisa's fell. Their eyes met.

"Nagisa, I got in." His voice was tentative, his happiness bittersweet once he saw the dissapointment written all over the blond's face.

"I knew you would, Rei-chan. You would've gotten into any university you applied to." He scooted closer to his friend and hugged him. "I'm happy for you!" He said, beaming, even as he tried to swallow down his own fears. If he hadn't gotten into his second choice, what were the odds he'd get into his first?

"Thank you Nagisa, but I'll be happier if I get into my first choice, and if you get in as well."

Nagisa picked up the second envelope, sliding it open slowly. Osaka University. Their first choice. In all honesty, Nagisa's first choice was wherever Rei went. He'd applied wherever Rei said he was going to apply, not able to bear the thought of being separated from him. He didn't even really know what he wanted to do, just knew that he wanted to be by Rei's side, even if it was just as his friend, and watch him be successful.

Nagisa stared at the letter for so long that Rei grabbed him by the shoulders and made him look up. When he did, his eyes were wide with disbelief.

"Rei... I got in." And then Rei was hugging him fiercely, and when he pulled away he had to take off his glasses to wipe tears from his eyes.

"Congratulations Nagisa, you worked very hard and you deserve this."

"I can't believe we both got into the same university, Rei-chan. I'm so excited! And you're gonna be the best doctor ever!"

\--- 

"Nagisa, are you all packed?" Rei's voice  came sternly through the phone.

"Um, yeah, let's go with that!" He snuck a glance at the empty suitcase sitting by his closet, mocking him. 

"Nagisa-kun, our train leaves first thing in the morning. Why haven't you packed? Should I come over to help you?"

"No, it's okay. I'm gonna start packing as soon as we hang up, I promise Rei-chan!"

He hangs up after reassuring a very nervous Rei that he really will finish his packing before he goes to sleep, then tosses his phone onto the bed and flops down, arm flung over his eyes, letting out a frustrated sigh.

He had been so excited about going to the same university as Rei, but now, the night before their departure, he was panicking. He had applied to the university under the delusion that if he and Rei went to the same school, there was no chance their friendship would crumble. But now, looking at things realistically, Nagiza realized they could drift apart even if they went to the same school. They would both be busy with studies, they would make new friends, maybe Rei would even start to date, and before Nagisa had a chance to blink, Rei would forget all about him.

Nagisa realized that was what he was more scared of than anything. Rei forgetting him, and becoming insignificant in Rei's life.


	5. Winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

It was in the winter of their second semester when Rei met Heartlynn.

She was a year older than him, quiet and studious with a passion for learning new languages and vibrantly orange curly hair. Her expressive hazel eyes hid behind large, tortoiseshell framed glasses.

It was those eyes Rei found himself falling into when he bumped into someone in the courtyard while hurrying to his next class, causing them to drop their coffee, the paper cup opening and spilling its contents onto the damp ground.

Rei opened his mouth to begin apologizing profusely, but found himself speechless when he looked down at the person he'd bumped into. There was no trace of irritation on her smiling face, tinged pink from the cold. Rei stared at her for a second before coming to his senses. 

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" He was unbelievably flustered, and now would probably be late to class as well. _That's what I get for cramming my schedule so tightly_ , he thought.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it."

"Please, let me buy you another coffee."

She laughed, the sound tinkling like wind chimes. "I have to get to class. But if you give me your number, I'll take you up on that another time."

Rei fumbled in his pocket for his phone, almost dropping it in the process. "Just one moment, I'm sorry, I got this new phone yesterday, and I don't have the number memorized just yet." He unlocked the phone and located the number, reading it to her so she could type it into her own phone.

"Your name?" She asked, thumb hovering over the buttons.

"Oh, right. My name is Rei."

"Nice to meet you, Rei. I'm Heartlynn. I'll text you." And with that she picked up the empty coffee cup off the ground, waving over her shoulder at him.

Rei went to class, tried to focus on the lab prep for the dissection they'd be doing the next day, but instead of scalpels and blood vessels, found himself thinking of freckled cheeks and a friendly smile.


	6. Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Nagisa found out about Heartlynn by chance.

He had a break between classes, and needed a caffeine pick-me-up after staying up far too late doing homework. The cafe on campus was quick, and relatively cheap, so he hurried there to get out of the cold. 

It had just begun to sprinkle outside as he stepped inside the coffee shop, shrugging off his coat as he was enveloped in the warmth of the room. He ordered then chose a table, sitting and mindlessly scrolling through apps on his phone as he waited for his extra-sweet latte.

It was then that he heard a familiar laugh. His head shot up, and he looked around the room, his gaze finally settling on a table across from him. There Rei sat, across from a girl reminiscent of some sort of sprite or pixie, her hands wrapped around a mug of coffee, glasses fogging up from the steam.

Nagisa couldn't see her face, but he could hear her voice, smooth and cheerful as she spoke in accented Japanese. And from where he sat, he could see the way Rei was looking at her, could hear the way he spoke to her with a smile in his voice.

Nagisa pushed his coffee away from him and grabbed his backpack and jacket, rushing out of the cafe before Rei could notice him. He couldn't handle having to be introduced to this girl that Rei looked at with sparkling eyes. Not when he wanted to be the object of that gaze.

He felt as if a rock had settled into his stomach, where butterflies had previously lived. They'd all been crushed by the weight of this rock, their habitat taken over. He'd been bothered by them before, but this was much worse.

It was raining a little harder now, but Nagisa couldn't be bothered to put his coat on as he trudged to the building his class was held in. He sat down at a bench in front of the building, head in his hands, not sure if his cheeks were wet with rain or tears.

He had always known that Rei would find someone once they got to college. He had never understood why he remained single through all of high school. He was attractive, _god he was attractive_ , and smart, so smart that his rambles about equations and numbers made Nagisa's brain hurt sometimes, and kind. He was kind enough that Nagisa knew if he'd confessed his feelings to him, he wouldn't have been ridiculed. But he'd still never been able to gather enough courage to do it. And now, he'd officially lost his chance to be free, to load those feelings off his chest.

Yes, he had known that Rei would find someone, but he never imagined how he'd feel when it happened. He hadn't prepared for it to hurt this much.


	7. Studying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

It was a day later that Rei and Nagisa met up for a study session. Just as it had been in high school, Rei was in a much more advanced math class than Nagisa so their study sessions usually involved him quietly doing his own homework until Nagisa expressed frustration, at which point he'd deliver a lengthy explanation before returning to his own homework. It almost seemed to Nagisa that Rei enjoyed being surrounded by all these numbers, like he took pleasure in explaining the quadratic formula time and time again while Nagisa stared at him in confusion. Nagisa was able to admit to himself that while he truly did need help sometimes, other times he just loved listening to Rei's melodic voice as he repeated the explanations, never losing patience so long as Nagisa remained focused.

But today, Rei couldn't help but notice that Nagisa was quieter than usual. He appeared to be doing his homework diligently, and hadn't asked for help once yet. Then Rei looked over at him and realized he was just staring at a page full of unsolved problems.

"Nagisa...are you alright? Are you stuck?"

Nagisa smiled up at him. "I'm okay. I can figure it out." He turned his eyes back to the paper, pressing the tip of his pencil against the page until the lead snapped off.

Rei knew something was definitely wrong with his friend. There was a certain light missing from his eyes. But if Nagisa didn't want to talk about it... what could he do? The truth was, he had arranged this study session for a reason. They usually studied together twice a week, and this wasn't one of their appointed days, but Rei had something he was bursting to tell Nagisa, and it just couldn't wait two more days.

* * *

 

"Nagisa." The blond lifted his head from staring at his homework, where the numbers were all blurring together at this point.

"Yeah, Rei-chan? What's up?"

Rei hesitated a second for speaking again. "There's something I wish to tell you."

Nagisa knew what was coming. He felt his stomach plummet as if he had just experienced the drop on a roller coaster. He tried to fix his face into some semblance of a curious expression, but forced neutrality was all he could manage. 

"I... I think I've met someone. Someone I'd like to pursue in a romantic manner." 

Nagisa was sure this was hell must feel like. Even after having seen them together, even after having seen Rei all smiles and adoration in that cafe, he'd still been able to pretend this wasn't happening, that he and that girl were just friends. But here it was, blatant confirmation of the thing he'd been trying to deny. 

Even as his stomach was twisting into a knot and a lump was forming in his throat, he heard himself asking for Rei details about this person, his falsely cheerful voice ringing in his ears.

"Er, well, her name is Heartlynn. She's so beautiful Nagisa, I can't wait to introduce you to her someday. She's from America, she moved here for college. She's studying here to teach English as a second language. The thing is, I haven't exactly asked her out yet...I don't know whether or not she'll want to go out with me and I'm a little- well, very- nervous."

"You should ask her, Rei-chan! Who wouldn't want to go out with you? And anyway, if she turns you down it's her loss." Nagisa could feel the tears threatening to spill, and knew he needed to get out of the room before that happened.

"I'll be right back, Rei-chan." He stood up quickly and headed for the bathroom, tears falling the minute he faced away from Rei.

He sat on the edge of the tub and buried his face in his hands. He gave himself a minute to just sit there, a minute where he didn't need to force a smile, a minute to deal with how horrible he really felt.

And then he wiped his eyes, flushed the toilet and washed his hands to keep up appearances, and went back into the living room.

"Nagisa, I was thinking while you were in the restroom. You're right. I should ask her. It is better to know, even if the answer isn't a positive one. Tomorrow, I'm going to ask Heartlynn out on a date."

"You can do it Rei-chan! Call me right afterwards and tell me how it goes, yeah?"

Nagisa hated the fact that he was half-hoping that Rei would be turned down.


	8. Yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

 

The next morning Rei woke up with with his stomach in knots. He passed on breakfast, knowing full well he'd be starving way before lunch time, but he was too nervous to even think about eating. He was going to ask Heartlynn out.

In the few short weeks since they'd met, they had begun a routine of meeting for coffee twice a week at 10:30, on the days where they both had a gap between classes.

Rei looked forward to these short meetings just about as much as he'd looked forward to his advanced chemistry class in high school. And much like that chemistry class, he always felt joyful afterwards, already looking forward to the next time as soon as it ended.

\---

Rei clasped his hands around his mug of coffee, staring down into the foam of the latte. It had been manipulated into a leaf when the coffee had first been placed in front of him, but the leaf was now faint and spread out, dissolving into the coffee. He'd let it sit far too long.

Across the table from him, Heartlynn sat, freckled cheeks rosy from the warmth of the room as she sipped her hot cocoa.

"Heartlynn." Rei began, his stomach jolting the minute her name left his lips.

"Yes, Rei? What's up?"

"I was going to - well, that is - I've been wanting to - I was wondering if... you'd like to go on a date with me?" He picked up his coffee then and took a much too large drink from it, cheeks hot as he thought about how much more eloquently he could have phrased that.

If he hadn't been avoiding eye contact with the redhead, he would've seen her smiling radiantly at him.

"Rei, I'd love to go on a date with you!" He looked up then, finally meeting her eyes, smiling back at her.

 

* * *

 

"Nagisa! I did it! And she said yes!" Nagisa had to pull the phone away from his ear slightly as Rei began to laugh in his signature way, loudly and triumphantly, and now crackling with feedback from the phone's speaker. Nahisa winced, and not from the sudden assault on his eardrums. Rei was actually going to go out with this girl. Nagisa had missed any minuscule chance he might have had to be with the person he loved.

"Wow, Rei, that's great! When are you guys going out? And where are you taking her?" As painful as it was, Nagisa felt a compulsion to ask for as many details as possible.

"We're going out on Saturday, I'm taking her ice skating. She's never been before."

Nagisa allowed himself an excruciating moment to picture Rei and his date skating hand in hand before he replied. "I bet you'll both have a ton of fun! I want details afterwards!" The image in his minds eye quickly became not one of prophecy but of wishful thinking, of he and Rei instead, bundled up against the chill in the air, laughing as they skated clumsily. He shook his head quickly, willing the daydream away, realizing he'd spaced out as Rei was talking. Before he could respond, Rei was saying he had to get to class, and hanging up.

And so Nagisa sat, knowing he should be happy for his friend but only feeling emptiness and want.


	9. Coffee Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Text from: Rei-chan (10:30)

Where are you, Nagisa? Heartlynn and I are at the cafe.

Sent text: Rei-chan (10:32)

B there in a min

 

Nagisa was hurrying across campus, texting Rei with one hand and trying to zip up his jacket with the other. He had agreed to meet Heartlynn today, since yesterday, five days after their first date, she and Rei had become an official couple. Nagisa thought it was hasty, but he wasn't sure he was capable of being objective. Anything would seem to soon when it came to Rei dating.

He was dreading meeting her, this girl that Rei spoke so fondly, who made Rei's eyes light up like Nagisa had never seen before. But he knew it was his duty, as Rei's best friend. So he was now walking across campus as fast as he could without moving into a jog, because he was late, and Rei was impatient. He had dawdled a bit too long while collecting his things and leaving class, figuring the later he was the less time he'd have to spend with the new couple. He hadn't bet on Rei texting him at 10:30 on the dot, wondering where he was.

He hesitated outside the cafe, suddenly filled with a desire to do anything but go inside. Everything inside of him was telling him to run. But instead he put on a smile and stepped inside, the tinkling bells above the door signaling his arrival. He saw Rei's head whip around, saw him smile as he waved him over.

Nagisa walked to their table because he was now obligated to, feet feeling as if they belonged to someone else as he closed the short gap between the entrance and Rei.

He watched as Rei stood up, beckoning for Nagisa to slide into the booth next to him. Nagisa vaguely remembered that Rei hated corner seats as he sat down and came face to face with Heartlynn. She looked even more like a pixie from the front, he decided, admiring her upturned nose and slightly frizzy ginger hair.

"Heartlynn, this is Nagisa. Nagisa, this is my girlfriend, Heartlynn."

Nagisa stuck out a hand and Heartlynn shook it politely, her own hand small and cold. He smiled warmly at her. "It's nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you!"

"Nagisa." Rei protested, but Heartlynn just laughed.

"I've heard a lot about you, as well. Rei speaks so fondly of you."

\---

 

The thirty minute coffee break went by surprisingly quickly, and while Nagisa had come fully prepared to dislike Heartlynn, he found himself unable to. She was friendly, kind, and had a great sense of humor. Nagisa understood what Rei saw in her.

However, understanding didn't make it hurt any less.

It didn't hurt any less when he failed to make himself look away when they kissed each other good bye, and saw the whole thing. How their lips touched ever so gently together, how his hand stroked her cheek for just a second, and how she smiled up at him before parting ways.

And it didn't hurt any less when each step he took after that meeting felt heavy, as if each foot weighed ten pounds. His whole body was heavy, including his heart.

He ditched his next class in favor of laying in his dorm, reliving the high school days when he'd been at least able to pretend Rei might love him back someday.

Now, he couldn't even daydream about that, not that he'd met that adorable reality that was Heartlynn.

 


	10. Kisa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Rei and Heartlynn had been dating for three months (Nagisa didn't exactly mean to keep track, it just kind of happened), when Nagisa met Kisa. Officially, anyhow.

He'd noticed him before in his sociology class, the tallest one in the room. He had a loud mouth and many opinions he liked to spout out whenever he was given the chance. Nagisa thought he was cute, with shaggy brown hair and piercing blue eyes, but it stopped there. Lots of people were cute. Unfortunately, lots of people weren't Rei.

And so Nagisa didn't give him a second thought. Until a group project was assigned (the fifth one this semester, Nagisa thought the teacher was just a little too group-project-happy). Before Nagisa could turn to his left and ask the girl there if she wanted to partner up, Kisa was sliding into the seat next to him.

"Hazuki, right?" He smiled casually and stuck out a hand.

"Yeah. Hey." Nagisa shook it.

"I'm Arata Kisa. Wanna partner up for this assignment?"

 "Sure." Nagisa smiled at his new partner. What was the harm in making another friend in this class? He turned to flash an apologetic smile at the girl he usually partnered with, but she seemed happy enough, chatting animatedly with another girl as they went over notes. Nagisa pulled out his own notebook and flipped through it to land on yesterday's notes.

"Alright, so which topic should we choose, teenage parents, or same-sex marriage?"

Kisa considered it for only a moment before smiling openly at Nagisa. "Let's do same-sex marriage." He scooted closer, looking over Nagisa's shoulder at his notes, scrawled messily in all different shades of pastel gel pen. "Your notes are kind of a mess, Hazuki-kun." He took out his own notebook full of perfectly organized notes written in blocky lettering. Nagisa refused to look at them, instead staring down at the vibrant pages of his own.

"I can read them just fine." He muttered.

On the first impression, something about Kisa rubbed him the wrong way, maybe it was his careless assertiveness, or maybe Nagisa just didn't like being criticized by a perfect stranger. Nagisa reminded himself that he just needed to get through this project, and then he wouldn't have to spend any more time with him.

However, the two weeks until the project was due passed quickly, and Nagisa found himself enjoying Kisa's company a little more than he'd originally planned. Now, as opposed to two weeks ago, he could envision himself becoming friends with the brunette. He needed more friends now that Rei was always busy with Heartlynn. He couldn't remember the last time he and Rei had hung out that wasn't for studying purposes. On the weekends, Nagisa found himself alone in his dorm, left to either watch movies with a tub of cherry chip ice cream or stare hopelessly at the ceiling, daydreaming of red glasses and strong arms.

So when, on the night before their presentation, Kisa asked Nagisa if he wanted to go out for milkshakes, Nagisa was only momentarily surprised.

"Milkshakes? It's after nine." He shuffled his feet, staring at the carpet awkwardly as he realized he'd just sounded exactly like Rei.

"Well, we don't have to go now, but just in general, would you want to..."

Nagisa shook his head quickly, curls falling into his eyes. "No, let's go now, Kisa-chan." Without thinking he grabbed his classmate by the wrist and tugged him towards the exit. Had he looked back at him, he would have noticed that Kisa's cheeks had flared red the second Nagisa touched him. But he didn't look back.

\---

They aced their presentation the next day, despite being out until midnight sipping milkshakes and walking around a sleeping campus.

So they did what any college student would do to celebrate. They went out for coffee.

As they approached the coffee shop, Nagisa realized his hands were shaking. He hadn't been here since the day he'd been introduced to Heartlynn. He shoved his hands inside the pockets of his jacket and stepped inside the shop anyway. 

After ordering his seasonal favorite, peppermint hot chocolate, he slid into the booth across from Kisa, whose hands were wrapped around a mug of black coffee.

"So...Nagisa, there was something I wanted to talk to you about." 

Nagisa's head shot up and he stopped chasing the marshmallows floating in his drink with his spoon long enough to make eye contact with Kisa. There was something in his tone that commanded Nagisa's full attention. His usually unruffled friend had spoke that sentence with a tremor in his voice.

"Okay, what's up Kisa-chan?"

"Well... we've been... we've been hangin' out a lot, and... I like you Nagisa."

Nagisa popped a marshmallow into his mouth and then spoke around it. "I like you too, Kisa-chan. You're awesome!"

Kisa's brow furrowed. "No, I _like_ you Nagisa. And I don't even know if you're into guys, or if you're into _me_ , but... this is me asking you out. So I guess I'm about to find out."

Nagisa had not been expecting that. At all. He spent all his time thinking about and pining over Rei, that he hadn't seen what was right in front of him.

He wasn't sure if he thought of Kisa in that way, but here he was, sitting across from him, putting his feelings on the line with a very worried expression on his face, and Nagisa felt like he had to try.

"You've seen my Tumblr, Kisa-chan. You know I'm into guys." He couldn't bring himself to look into the other boy's bright blue eyes, scared to see what was reflected there. "This is me saying yes." He felt a little sick to his stomach as he said those words. He could admit to himself that he didn't really want to go out with Kisa. But he was tired of spending his weekends alone, tired of using every waking moment to think about Rei. Maybe dating someone, especially someone whose company he already enjoyed, would help him get over Rei.

He looked up then, meeting the other's eyes and seeing all the happiness and hope there. It was there because of him. Because he'd said yes to a question he should have answered no to. 

"Really, Nagisa? I'm so happy. I was so scared you'd say no." He reached across the table and set his hand over Nagisa's, squeezing it gently. Nagisa only hoped he couldn't feel the clamminess of his palm. He forced himself to smile, ignoring the clamoring inside his brain and the impending panic he could feel closing in.

He had his first boyfriend, and he was pretty sure it wasn't supposed to feel like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, author here. Felt the need to say that I do not condone Nagisa's actions!!  
> And I'm breaking my lil ReiGisa heart writing this.


	11. Stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Rei and Nagisa slowly stopped studying together.

It went from two study sessions a week to one, and then to one every other week. And then, they just stopped.

After each missed or rescheduled study session, they'd text each other half-hearted excuses, and promise to hang out soon, but eventually the texts stopped too.

Occasionally, Nagisa would text Rei, and spend the rest of the day waiting for his phone screen to light up with a new message.

But it never did. 

He knew where Rei's dorm was, and he thought almost daily about just going and knocking on his door, but he never did. Kisa kept him busy, and he knew that Rei was probably busy with Heartlynn. So he did something he never thought he'd see himself doing. He gave up on Rei.

He stopped sending the texts. He stopped considering going to his dorm. The only thing he didn't stop doing, was thinking about him.

He decided to throw himself wholeheartedly into not only his studies, but also his relationship with Kisa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super short, because I broke my own heart okay


	12. Expectations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

The first time Kisa and Nagisa kissed, he felt nothing. There were no butterflies, no spark. Just fingers intertwined and soft lips pressed together under a cloudy sky and fine drizzle of rain. He supposed it was nice, but it was nothing like kissing Rei that one night on Gou's dare.

That kiss had been dizzying. 

Kissing Kisa was pleasant, but there was no fire behind it. Not on Nagisa's end anyway.

After the first kiss, which was chaste, sweet, there followed many others. Kisses goodnight outside of dorms, kisses in empty hallways between classes, make out sessions in Kisa's car on the weekends.

Kisa kissed him as if he could never get enough, as if he were hungry. And Nagisa got swept away on that sea of passion.

\---

On one particular day, midway through winter break, Kisa and Nagisa were in the backseat of his car after a date, hands tangled in each others hair, kissing and holding each other close against the chill in the air. Nagisa could sense that Kisa wanted to go just a little further than making out, but Nagisa had higher expectations for his first time messing around than the back of a car behind a warehouse. He suggested they go to Kisa's house. He'd thought his suggestion was innocuous enough, but Kisa let go of Nagisa like he'd electrocuted him, and Nagisa, offended, climbed off of him and sat against the car door. 

"Uh, that's not a good idea." Kisa said stiffly, not meeting Nagisa's eyes.

"I wasn't trying to pressure you into anything, I just thought..." Nagisa let himself trail off, embarrassed.

"Oh, no, Nagisa. I don't... I don't feel pressured. I want to. But... we can't... not at my house."

Nagisa could feel himself starting to pout. "But I've never been to your house. Is it your parents? Do you not want me to meet them?" He was suddenly insecure, the first time he'd ever felt that way in regards to Kisa. He didn't like the feeling, not at all.

"It's not my parents. It's..." He took a deep breath, seeming to come to a conclusion in his head. Well, I guess you have to find out sometime. Okay, let's go." He got out of the car, opened the passenger door for Nagisa, and then slid into the driver's seat.

* * *

 

Kisa's house was small and cozy, with a blue-gray exterior and a brick trim. There was smoke curling out of the chimney when they pulled into the driveway. Kisa reached for Nagisa's hand as they went up the front walk. He knocked on the door and waited, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "I forgot my keys," he mumbled to Nagisa.

Just then the door opened, and a woman with short blonde hair and an even blonder baby in her arms stood in the doorway. "Kisa? I thought you weren't going to be home until late tonight." Her face was wary as she looked at Nagisa, and he felt as if he were in front of a judge for a crime he didn't commit.

"Sorry, mom. I just wanted to, um, finally introduce you to Nagisa."

The expression on the woman's face changed immediately and she smiled warmly, shifting the baby into her other arm and extending her hand. Nagisa shook her hand, smiling both at her, and at the baby, who was staring up at him with wide blue eyes. "It's nice to meet you, Arata-san."

She stepped away from the door, opening it to let them inside. "It's nice to meet you too, Nagisa. Call me Aiko. I've heard so much about you from Kisa. I've just been waiting for him to bring you home so I could meet you!"

"And who's this?" Nagisa spoke to the baby, who was babbling now, a toothless smile on her face and a bit of drool on her chin.

The smile on Aiko's face dimmed only slightly, and Kisa reached to take the baby from her. "This is Kiyoko." Kiyoko had laid her curly head on his shoulder, a tiny fist clutched onto his jacket.

"She's my daughter."


	13. Kiyoko

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Mentions of teen pregnancy and abortion
> 
> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

"Don't you think this was something you should've told me from the beginning?" They were standing outside Kisa's house in the cold, Nagisa's breath puffing out in front of his face with each angry word that tumbled from his lips.

"I'm sorry, Nagisa. I was scared. Can you try to see it from my point of view? I knew you'd never say yes to going out with me if you knew."

"So instead of being honest with me and giving me a chance to accept you, you manipulated me?"

Kisa leaned against the house, thumb and forefinger holding the bridge of his nose. "I did not manipulate you."

"What would you call it, then?" 

"I don't know. I don't know. I just liked you so much. I didn't know what to do."

Nagisa heaved a sigh and sat down on the steps, the chill of the concrete seeping up through his clothes and making him shiver. "So where's her mom? Are you married too?" He asked, bitter.

Kisa sat down next to him. "No. I'm not married. Her mom was my girlfriend in high school. Senior year of high school I got her pregnant. Once she found out, she didn't want anything to do with me, or the baby. She told me she was going to have an abortion. I begged her not to. I told her I'd take full responsibility for the baby once she was born. My mom and I paid for all the medical bills. I haven't heard from Kiyoko's mom since the day she was born."

Nagisa was silent, staring at the ground. 

"Not that you know, if you don't want to be with me anymore, I can't do anything about that. My daughter comes first. Always. No man or woman, no matter how much I love them, will ever be more important to me than my daughter." His voice broke, and Nagisa looked up to see a single tear sliding down Kisa's face.

Without thinking he reached up and wiped it away, and Kisa grabbed his hand, holding it close to his chest. 

"It's a good thing I'm good with kids." Nagisa finally said, breaking his silence.

He watched as Kisa's face broke into a grin, almost from ear to ear.

"Don't smile too big just yet, mister. I don't want you to ever lie to me again. If you ever do, you won't have another chance to do it again."

"Noted." Kisa said before throwing an arm over Nagisa's shoulder and pulling him close. 

 

* * *

Nagisa found that he got along very well with Kiyoko. At eight months old she already had quite a personality, and a very well established set of likes and dislikes. 

She loved sweet things, like applesauce and cooked carrots, and hated anything even reambling a vegetable. Nagisa had to say he agreed with her on that.

She loved to be read to, and giggled and babbled along while Nagisa gave readings of children's books so dramatically that Kisa teased he belonged on stage. 

Nagisa had to admit to himself that he was growing quite attached to the little girl. 

Two months after introducing him to Kiyoko, Kisa told Nagisa he loved him. Nagisa said it back, digging his nails into his palm to ignore the pit in the depths of his stomach. 

 

 


	14. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Text to: Rei (21:32)

Rei, its Nagisa. I hope ur ok. I miss u. I miss studying w/ u and hanging out w/ u. I hope u & Heartlynn are doing well 2gether. Im just txtng bcuz im cleaning my room @ home & i came across my yearbook. i miss high skool. I miss practicing w/ u and taking the train 2gether. Anyway i dont expect a reply. i just hope ur doing ok. C ya around 

 

\---

Nagisa ran his thumb over the smooth page of the yearbook. The whole book still smelled faintly of chlorine from being stuffed in his locker and then his gym bag before being left to collect dust in his closet at home. 

His eyes skimmed the autograph pages, searching for one in particular.

He found it, in dark blue ink remiscient of Rei's hair, the handwriting small and neat. An autograph promising adventures together at university and many more years as friends. Signed with love. 

On the clubs page there was a picture of the team, Rei's arm was slung over his shoulder and Nagisa was faced towards the camera but he was looking at Rei out of the corner of his eye. He could see the adoration in his own eyes, and wondered how no one else besides Gou had picked up on it, how Rei himself hadn't picked up on it. Then again, maybe he had. Maybe he'd always known, and now that he had a girlfriend, didn't want to keep Nagisa around anymore. Maybe he was embarrassed.

Nagisa began to regret sending that text.

But it didn't matter anyway, because he didn't get a reply.


	15. Encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

The next time Nagisa saw Rei it was purely by accident.

They were in their third year of university now, and Nagisa was staying with Kisa over the winter break. He'd originally planned to go home for this break, like he had for all the others, but after an over-the-phone screaming match with his mother a few weeks ago during which she'd tried to persuade him into leaving Kisa, he'd decided not to.

The weather was biting this year, and two days after Christmas, the snow was coming down heavily. Kiyoko had come down with a cold, so in favor of Kisa staying with her, Nagisa bundled up and took Kisa's car to the store for medicine. In truth, it was nice to have a break. He'd never seen anyone so miserable with a cold before. The past day and a half had been filled with high pitched sobs and phlegmy coughs.

He perused the cold and flu section of the medicine aisle, finally deciding on a neon purple liquid that claimed to both suppress coughs, and to taste like grape. He'd just grabbed it off the shelf and was double checking the ingredients when he realized he no longer alone in the aisle and absentmindedly glanced to his right. The bottle slipped out of his hands, falling to the floor with a dull thud.

There, standing in front of the stomach medicine, was Rei.

Nagisa knelt down to pick up the bottle, staring intently at the floor and willing Rei not to look in his direction.

"Nagisa?"

The first word that came to mind as he stood up was an expletive, but instead he just said "Rei? What are you doing here?" He faced Rei, looking up at him. He looked older. It had been about a year and a half since Nagisa had seen him (in person anyhow, he still religiously stalked his Facebook) and he looked as if in that time, the weight of the world had dropped onto his shoulders. There were deep circles under his eyes and his usually perfect posture had given way to shoulders that were slightly hunched with tension.

"My, um, Heartlynn isn't feeling well. I'm here to pick her up some medicine."

"Yeah. That was kind of a dumb question. Sorry." He gripped the bottle of medicine so tightly in his hand that the tips of his fingers began to ache. "How have you been? How's school going?"

"School is fine. Nagisa, I-"

"Is Heartlynn graduating this year? She's a year older than us, right?" He interrupted frantically, not sure he wanted to hear what Rei was preparing to say.

Rei's tone was stiff when he replied. Nagisa recognized it as the tone he adopted when he _really_ didn't want to talk about something. "Yes she is, but no, she won't be graduating this year." He grabbed a box of anti-nausea chewables off the shelf without even examining it, as if it were something he did frequently.

"Nagisa."

  
"I have to go Rei, see you around!" He waved the cold medicine in his hand by way of apology, and hastened to the check stand, leaving a shocked Rei in his dust.

 


	16. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

The next time Nagisa saw Rei was when he watched him walk across the stage at graduation. He was surprised to see that Rei wasn't graduating with honors, and even more surprised to see that Rei was not exuding joy as he accepted his diploma. Instead he looked pale and drawn, his mouth barely twitching into a smile as he shook the hands of the board of education members.

When Nagisa took his own walk across the stage, his eyes searched through the audience, looking not for his parents, or his boyfriend, but focusing on the front row where his fellow graduates sat.

He found the lavender eyes that sat listlessly behind red frames, and met them, giving Rei a small smile. A friendly smile. Rei either didn't see it, or pretended not to.

\---

That night, over dessert at a family style restaurant, Kisa asked Nagisa if he wanted to get an apartment together. Nagisa looked across the table at the man sitting there, waiting with a smile full of hope and eyes full of nervousness. Then he looked at the toddler sitting in the highchair, blonde curls in tiny pigtails, oblivious to what was going on.

He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, hoping Kisa would mistake the tears starting to prickle in his eyes as ones of happiness. The truth was, no matter how much he cared for Kisa, he would never be in love with him. He was starting to think he'd never be able to love anyone but Rei, who was now just a ghost from his past. And if that was the case, he surely could do worse than Kisa, someone who genuinely loved and cared for him.

But instead of voicing this, he looked Kisa in the eye and smiled. "Sure, as long as it's in Iwatobi."

\---

The apartment they found was small, cramped even. Kisa and Nagisa took the master bedroom (if it could be called that) and Kiyoko had her own room. The living room and the kitchen were basically one, and the bathroom had a shower but no bathtub. It was only a few neighborhoods away from Nagisa's family, and a few miles away from Iwatobi High, where Nagisa got a job as a secretary to the principal. Kisa got hired at a counseling clinic for in crisis teens in a neighboring town. Between the two of them, they made enough money to live comfortably, but not to be able to afford a nicer apartment.

Nagisa's eldest sister lived down the street, with her husband and two kids of her own, and was overjoyed at the idea of babysitting Kiyoko, when the two of them were at work, insisting that Kisa needn't pay her even a dollar.

\---

For Nagisa, being back in Iwatobi brought with it a whirlwind of emotions. He had missed it, this quiet country town where everyone seemed to know one another and everything was within walking distance or a short train ride away. But around every corner, lurked memories, some pleasant and some tainted with the pain of losing a friendship, and the pain of an unrequited first love.

Each time he passed the pool on the way to and from his own office, he could almost hear Makoto lovingly scolding, Gou yelling when Haru ignored her in favor of plunging into the water, his own laughter echoing from inside the pool, and most of all, Rei speaking his name with many different undertones, in the afternoons all mingling with the present day chatter and giggling of the current swim team. In the mornings, it was silent, only marred by the sound of the pool filter and birds trilling.

When he walked home, he walked through the field that he and Rei had once jogged through, and walked through many times. And when he took the train, he remembered the first time he fell asleep on Rei's shoulder on the ride home. Rei had fallen asleep too, his head drooping onto Nagisa's, and they'd both missed their stops. He'd woken up to a very distraught Rei, shaking him by the shoulders with wild eyes, and all he'd been able to do was laugh and pull the button for the next stop. They'd gone for ice cream, and walked a mile or so to their own respective homes.

It seemed that nowhere was devoid of reminders of Rei, for even when he was home, Nagisa's thoughts turned to him. He wondered what he was doing, where he was. And so, on his third week back in Iwatobi, Nagisa did the only thing he could think of. He called Makoto.

\---

"Nagisa? It's been forever! How are you?" Makoto's voice was warm and smooth through the phone lines, ringing with genuine happiness to hear from his friend.

"I'm doing okay. How are you, Mako-chan?" Nagisa was laying on his bed, feet propped up against the wall. He'd told Kisa he had a headache, so he and Kiyoko had started dinner without him.

"I'm great! Well, Haru's not here right now, so I'm lonely. But other than that I'm good. We adopted a kitten, so the apartment isn't too empty."

"Awww, where did Haru-chan go?"

"He's in Yokohama doing a publicity thing with Rin. There's an interview on T.V. tonight. He'll be back in a few days."

Nagisa had to stifle a laugh at the idea of Haru doing interviews and photo shoots. "I bet he loves doing interviews." He couldn't hold back the laughter anymore, but Makoto laughed with him.

"He hates them so much! He FaceTimes me to complain about all the 'stupid questions' they ask. But all the reporters love him...You know Haru, he has a certain charm about him. When he's not rolling his eyes so hard they look like they'll stay there permanently."

Nagisa snorted and rolled onto his stomach, supporting his head on his hand. "Mako-chan...have you heard from Rei?"

Makoto sighed and waited a beat before answering. "I called him after I saw on Facebook that he'd graduated. Before that... we hadn't spoken in quite a while."

"Did he tell you what he was doing after graduation?" Nagisa frowned at himself but couldn't stop the question.

"He moved to Nagoya. He got a really good job offer there, working in a pharmacy."

"What?! He's not continuing school?" Nagisa was now sitting up straight. He couldn't imagine what would have had to happen to make Rei give up his dream of being a doctor.

"No, and he didn't want to tell me why, so I didn't push. Anyway, he said this was one of the best medical positions he could get without a pH D- Oh, Nagisa, Haru is calling! I'll call you tomorrow, don't forget to watch Haru and Rin's interview, it starts in ten minutes!"

The line went dead, and Nagisa stared at his phone before reaching for the remote, which had fallen under the bed, and turning on the small television in their bedroom.

It seemed like ages before the commercials finally ended and the talk show host was bringing out Haru and Rin. Seeing his friends on the television was surreal, and Nagisa was so proud of them he felt himself grinning from ear to ear. Without thinking, he scrolled through his contacts and then brought his phone to his ear.

The line rang six times before going to voicemail. "You've reached Ryuugazaki Rei, I'm sorry I'm unable to take your call at the moment, but please leave me a message and I'll return your call as soon as I'm able to."

"Rei. It's Nagisa. Rin-chan and Haru-chan are on T.V. I just wanted to tell you that, so you could see them. They look really great up there."

He let the phone slip from his fingers and focused all his attention on the T.V., on Rin's toothy but charming grin, and Haru's perpetual lack of smile. He may not have been smiling, but Nagisa could see his friend's eyes sparkling. He may have hated interviews, but it was all part of his dream. He'd made it, he and Rin had both made it.

He missed the both of them so much, but at least he could pick up the phone and call them. Even out there, living their dream, they weren't as unreachable as Rei had become, and he was only a few hours away.

* * *

 

A few hundred miles away, Rei stared at the lit up screen of his phone, clutched in his hand. The vibration was loud in the otherwise silent room, accompanied only by the rhythmic beeping of a heart rate monitor and the gentle whoosh of air being recycled through a machine.


	17. Ice Cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

Kisa proposed to Nagisa during a family trip to the beach.

Kiyoko was five now, and was sitting under a beach umbrella, building a sloppy sandcastle. Nagisa sat next to her, helping her build it up and sticking seashells on top as decorations, while Kisa took photos of them, and reigned in his laughter when the sandcastle fell over time and time again.

Kisa put the camera in it's carry-bag and stood up. "I'm gonna go get us some ice cream, I think I hear the truck. Strawberry with sprinkles?"

"Yes please!" Nagisa grinned up at him before turning his attention back to the castle. 

\---

When Kisa returned, he was juggling two ice cream cones and a popsicle for Kiyoko.

Once Nagisa had thanked him and taken the ice cream from him, eagerly biting the sprinkles off the top of it, Kisa settled down next to him, opening up Kiyoko's popsicle with his teeth before handing it to her.

Nagisa was too engrossed in his own dessert to notice that Kisa wasn't eating his, just holding the cone loosely in his hand, the sun making quick work of it, trails of vanilla melting down in between his fingers. 

"Nagisa," he started, and Nagisa looked up, unaware of the traces of sprinkles stuck to his lips like glitter.

"Kisa-chan, why aren't you eating your ice cream? It's melting!" His eyes were wide with concern.

Kisa snorted a laugh and reached out, swiping his thumb across Nagisa's lower lip to clean off the pastel candy, then quickly slipping his hand into his own pocket, both to hide its trembling, and to run his fingers over the metal band that was stored there, warm from the heat of his body.

"Nagisa, I love you. You make every day that we spend together so bright, ever single one, since that first day we spoke in class. Kiyoko loves you. Thank you so much for accepting her, for accepting us, and for being the best second parent to her that I ever could have hoped for. I guess... what I'm trying to say is... will you marry me, Nagisa?"

He pulled the ring out of his pocket and held it in his open palm, meeting Nagisa's large magenta eyes that were now reflecting the light of the just beginning sunset behind them, the golden locks of his hair curling around his face in the warm breeze and alight with the pinkish glow of the sky.

Nagisa didn't sat anything for a moment, looking away from Kisa's gaze and out across the ocean, letting the gentle ebb and flow of the tide and the crashing of the waves wash over him, quell his pounding heart. 

He set the remainder of his ice cream cone down on a napkin, and Kisa followed suit, reaching out and offering Nagisa a sticky hand, lacing their fingers together, waiting as patiently as he could while Nagisa mulled things over in his head.

Nagisa knew he was lucky. He'd managed to build a good life with this kind and gentle man, who tried his hardest to make him happy, who was a great father and just a genuinely good person. His only flaw, in Nagisa's eyes, was that he wasn't Rei.

He reminded himself almost daily that he could do much worse. Or that he could be alone. Instead he'd found Kisa, who had enough love within himself for the both of them. 

So he squeezed Kisa's hand tightly, and looked up at him, nodding his head once, slowly. Kisa's face broke out into a grin, his cheeks tinted pink as he slipped the ring onto Nagisa's finger.

 _Yes, I could do much worse_ , he thought, as Kisa wrapped his arms around his back and pulled him close.

 _Much worse,_ his thoughts repeated as they pressed their lips together.

But the band around his finger felt heavy and cold, even in the heat of the summer.


	18. Time Goes By

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in commissioning me, please see [here](http://moongirl--x.tumblr.com/post/151708800841/commissions)

It was a quiet evening.

Much like every evening in Nagisa's life. He hesitated to say he was unhappy, but not to say he was bored. Numb, even. He went to work each weekday, then either walked home or took the train, depending how he was feeling. If he was depressed, he took the train. If it was an okay day, he walked. Once home he made dinner, then waited for Kisa and Kiyoko. They ate dinner as a family, spent some time with Kiyoko, then got her to bed.

Then they went to their own room, in the same apartment as when they'd first graduated, and got ready for bed together. On a bad day, Nagisa faced away from Kisa, curling in on himself, letting a few tears slip out only once he was sure Kisa was asleep. On a good day, they slept in each other's arms, and very occasionally, they had sex before falling asleep. Nagisa was thirty, and felt he had already settled into the life of someone older. He missed the excitement of high school and college, he missed his friends and he missed Rei.

Kisa was still as kind as he'd always been, and just as loving, and the sex was alright, but Nagisa felt _nothing_. The only thing he ever felt these days, was regret.

He regretted getting himself into this relationship, this lifelong commitment, just because he'd been in pain. He had thought if he'd devoted himself to someone else, he would forget about Rei. He was wrong. He'd never forgotten about Rei.

It had now been eight years since he'd seen him. But it was still as clear as day. He still remembered everything about him. His voice, that when he spoke softly, was so relaxing it could lull Nagisa to sleep in the best of ways. And when he was flustered, his voice got just a few pitches higher, and his cheeks reddened. The way his hair was always just a tiny bit messy, even first thing after he'd combed it. How strong and reassuring his arms felt when they wrapped Nagisa into a hug.

The way he'd suddenly seemed to decide that Nagisa was no longer worth his time, and disappeared without a parting word.

That was the freshest memory Nagisa had of Rei. It loomed over all the other pleasant ones, sinking its claws in and pulling them into its shadow. He could barely remember the last time he'd heard Rei say his name, with the unnecessary -kun tacked onto the end, but he had no trouble remembering the unanswered texts and phone calls.

So it was like a refresher course when, one quiet Saturday evening, an evening when Kisa was away at a conference and Kiyoko was at a friend's house,there was a knock at the door, and through the peephole he saw Rei standing on his doorstep.


	19. Rei

 

"R- Rei?" Nagisa's heartbeat instantly picked up its pace, thrumming against his rib cage like the wings of a hummingbird.

He opened the door slowly, very sure that this must be a dream. But he pinched at the soft flesh of his inner arm, and there Rei still stood, looking increasingly uncomfortable with every passing second. "Please excuse the intrusion, I was in Iwatobi visiting my parents, and well, Makoto mentioned that you lived in town, so..."

Nagisa just stepped back from the door and stared at him as he stepped inside, slipping off his shoes. He noticed that Rei still wore glasses with red frames, but the frames were thinner now, slipping down his nose just the same as his old ones had. His dusky hair still fell in the same pattern over his forehead, but he now had some frown lines between his eyebrows, which were currently pulled down into a stern expression. His posture was tense, rigid, as he shrugged off his winter coat and hung it up on the coat rack.

Nagisa forced himself to stop staring and led Rei into the dining room. "Do you want something to drink? I think we have barley tea. Or coffee."

Rei smiled slightly at the back of Nagisa's head as he followed him to a small kitchen table with mismatched chairs. "Barley tea sounds wonderful, thank you."

Nagisa put the teapot on and then sat down at the table across from Rei, tucking his feet under him in his chair, his arms wrapped around his chest as if he were trying to hold himself together. "So, what are you doing here, Rei?"

Rei pondered his answer, not alarmed at the question, and took that chance to look at Nagisa, to really look at him. He looked very much the same as he had the last time Rei had seen him, crossing the stage at graduation. There were only some subtle differences that Rei took his time examining and storing away into his memory. His blond curls were a little longer now, and his hair was tied back into a messy ponytail at the base of his neck. His eyes were as large and wondrous as ever, eyes that Rei had always had to work not to get lost in,and they were currently fixed on a spot on the wall behind Rei. He had a few earrings in each ear, little hoops that caught the light and sparkled around his face. He shifted in his seat as Rei watched him, pulling his cardigan tighter around himself. It was wool, and a dusty rose sort of color that matched his eyes perfectly in the lighting of his apartment.

Rei realized he'd been staring too long when Nagisa wiggled in his chair a bit and cleared his throat. "Rei?"

"Oh, er, sorry. Well, it's been a very long time since we last saw each other, so since I was in Iwatobi I knew I had to drop by. I'm sorry if it's a bad time." 

The teapot let out its high pitched squeal and Nagisa startled a little before crossing the short distance to the stove and pouring out tea into two cups. He set Rei's down in front of him then retreated back to his seat, wrapping his cup between his hands.

"Why though? Why are you back?" His tone was sharp, and Rei stared down at his mug.

"I'm not back, I'm just here for a visit. How have you been, Nagisa?"

"I've been great." He bit out the words. Rei's gaze traveled down to the hands that were on the steaming mug in front of Nagisa, his gaze trailing over the picked at cuticles and then stalling on the smooth silver band around his fourth finger.

"You're married?"

Nagisa nodded, sullen. "Rei, I don't want to make small talk. If I have this chance to see you before you disappear again, I have questions. I want to know what happened during college. Why you avoided me like the plague." He heard the quake in his own voice and quickly sipped from his mug to hide the tremble of his lips.

"Nagisa... You're right. I'll tell you. You deserve to know.

"As you already know, I was dating Heartlynn. What I hid from you, what I hid from everyone, was that she was sick. Heartlynn... She had a brain tumor. Inoperable. And fatal. She told me about her condition after our first date. I had already developed quite strong feelings for her, so of course, I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I wanted to spend all the time with her that I could. But only a few months after we began our relationship, her health began to decline. That's when I began to avoid you. I couldn't face the idea of telling you. And for that, I am sorry, Nagisa."

He took his glasses off and set them on the table next to his untouched tea, rubbing his eyes.

" I eventually asked her to marry me. She said yes. She wanted to marry me.... before she passed. I knew that she was very sick, and I knew that there was a possibility she wouldn't have very long, but I just loved her so much. We never got to get married."

Nagisa shivered and hugged his knees to his chest, eyes watching the stoic surface of his tea, anything not to look at Rei. Not to see the years of pain etched into his face, very different from his own. His own pain was hidden below the surface, where he never let it bubble up unless he was alone. On his face were laugh lines and smile lines, the topography of forced happiness he'd created over the years. Rei's pain was raw on his face, an eight year old open wound.

"A few weeks before graduation, Heartlynn's health deteriorated to the point that she needed to be hospitalized. Her parents made the decision to have her put into hospice care. A few weeks after that, she slipped into a coma. She never woke up. The doctors advised her parents to remove life support after a week, saying she showed no higher brain function. So they did. I still remember... you called me that night, Nagisa. I didn't pick up... I was preparing to say my goodbyes. When I listened to your message, a few days later, you sounded so _sad_. And the gravity of what I'd done over the years hit me. I was selfish, I was only thinking of myself. What I did to you, is inexcusable. And I'm sorry."

"Rei, if I had known any of that... Why did you hide it from me..." Before he realized what he was doing, Nagisa reached across the table and set his hand over both of Rei's, which were folded together.

"Nagisa, I want to make sure that you know how sorry I am. There are so many things I feel I need to apologize for."

"Rei... You don't..." Nagisa's words trailed off when Rei's hand turned over under his, their palms now pressing against each other. His breath caught in his throat and he fell silent, every facet of his being focused on the warmth of Rei's palm against his.

"I'm sorry that I abandoned our friendship so easily. I'm sorry that I ran away. I'm sorry that even after Heartlynn passed, I made no move to contact you for eight more years. I'm sorry that I-"

"Rei, stop." Nagisa interrupted, finally able to breathe again. "I'm not mad, not anymore. I just... I missed you. And I thought you wanted nothing to do with me. I thought you'd somehow figured out-" He stopped himself, jerking his hand away from Rei's and picking at a hangnail intently.

"Nagisa? Figured out what?" Rei was looking at him with his head tilted slightly in concern and Nagisa couldn't take it. It was all too much, seeing Rei again after all these years and feeling everything come flooding back. All the emotions he'd been numb to, the lack of butterflies and racing heart he experienced in regard to Kisa, they were all swarming him now. His head was swimming and his cheeks were hot when he spoke again. 

"Figured out that I was- am- in love with you."

The silence was deafening as Rei stared at Nagisa and Nagisa looked anywhere but at him.

"Nagisa... Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Why would I tell you?" He scoffed, fiddling with the hoops in his right ear. "I knew there was no way you'd think of me that way, and I didn't want to lose you as a friend. Plus how embarrassing is it to confess your love to a straight guy."

"How can you be so sure of that?" Nagisa could see that Rei was getting flustered, he'd put his glasses back on some time ago and was jabbing at them viciously to keep them situated correctly, his high cheek bones dusted with the beginnings of a blush.

"Sure of what? That you were straight, or that you didn't like me back?"

"Well...both I suppose," Rei sputtered out.

"Was I wrong?" Nagisa challenged, finally making eye contact across the table.

"Well... Yes. On both counts." 

Nagisa sucked in a deep breath, feeling tears prick the backs of his eyes.

"I fell in love with you very soon after befriending you, Nagisa. You were the first person I loved, so I didn't exactly know what it meant. I just knew I felt differently around you then around Makoto-san or Haruka-san. I tried my best to ignore it. But then Gou-san dared us to kiss... and I couldn't forget about it after that. I spent so much time thinking about you, and about confessing to you, but all I did was think and never turn my thoughts into actions."

"Rei-chan." In an instant Nagisa was pushing his chair back and moving towards Rei, his heart pounding as he, in one fluid movement, closed the gap between them and swung a leg over Rei's, sitting on his thighs, his hands fisted in the soft material of his shirt. 

"Rei-chan." He said again, breathless. Their faces were only a few inches apart and he moved closer so their noses were touching, releasing his grasp on Rei's shirt in favor of tracing his knuckles over his cheekbone and down towards his jaw, a blush chasing his fingers.

He had just leaned in to kiss him, his lips a hairs breadth away from Rei's, when Rei set his hands on his shoulders and pushed him back ever so slightly.

Nagisa's face burned and he stared fiercely at the ground.

Rei slid a finger under Nagisa's jaw and tipped his face up, holding his chin between thumb and forefinger so he couldn't look away.

"We can't do this, Nagisa. It is not that I don't want to. I want to more than anything, I have for years. But you're married. You have a family. I can't allow you to ruin that."

Nagisa slumped forward onto Rei's chest,  and Rei wound his arms around his back, holding him. 

"I love you, Rei-chan."

"I know, Nagisa-kun. I love you too."


	20. Lattes and Desire

Rei was scheduled to remain in Iwatobi for a week. He'd been saving up his vacation days for quite a while in order to have the week with his parents, whom he hadn't seen in some time.

He wasn't even sure if he'd see Nagisa after his first night there, what with everything that had happened between them. It was almost painful to be in the same room as the man. Rei couldn't keep his eyes off of Nagisa's mouth, which he just wanted against his, off of his otherworldly eyes, which he could see himself looking into for the rest of his life.

Nagisa was a work of art, and he didn't even know it. Each casual movement he made, each laugh that slipped from between his lips, he was beauty unlike Rei had ever know before meeting him. With age he had only grown more beautiful, with a grace he'd never had in high school.

It was for all of these reasons that Rei wasn't sure if he should see Nagisa again before going back home to Nagoya.

But the next day, when Nagisa called him at three thirty sharp after getting out of work, Rei found himself excusing himself from his parent's house and going to meet Nagisa in a coffee shop.

* * *

 

"I see you still order your coffee the same way." Rei said, chuckling as the waitress dropped off their orders; Rei's, a plain latte, and Nagisa's a vanilla latte with whipped cream and added chocolate sprinkles.

"Well yeah, coffee is still gross unless you drown it in sugar," Nagisa replied, sticking a spoon into his drink and mixing in the whipped cream. Rei watched him, nostalgic for all the times they'd sat like this in high school, though those times had had very different connotations. 

Rei couldn't help but be uneasy. Nagisa was _married._ It was hard to sit calmly in the booth in this frilly cafe and enjoy this time, without the ever-present feeling that they were doing something wrong. He gulped down his still too-hot coffee, vaguely wishing that it were alcohol.

Nagisa finished his own and stared at the grain of the table dejectedly. "I have to go soon. Kisa gets home at five. Will you walk with me to the train station, Rei-chan?"

"Of course." Rei stood up, leaving money on the table to cover both of their drinks and following Nagisa out of the cafe.

\---

The wind was blowing a lot harder than it had been when they went in for coffee, and Nagisa hugged his arms to his chest, the cold air biting right through his polka dotted dress button up.

"Nagisa-kun, did you really not bring a coat with you today? Don't you check the weather before you leave the house?" Rei scolded, wanting nothing more than to wrap his arms around the blond and keep him warm.

"No, when have I ever checked the weather before leaving the house? Anyway we're almost to the train station." He looked straight ahead, at the pinks and golds of the sky, much preferable to the ache in his chest every time he looked at Rei. So when he felt warmth envelop his shoulders, he startled before realizing that Rei had shrugged off his coat and put it over him.

"No, Rei-chan, now you'll be cold," he protested halfheartedly. He wanted to keep this jacket on forever, bask in the warmth and the smell of Rei's subtle cologne. 

He gave it back reluctantly before getting on the train, purposefully brushing his fingertips over Rei's as he handed it back. A moment passed between them, one that had already happened many times over the course of their short coffee break, where it was all Nagisa could do to stop himself from going on his tiptoes and kissing Rei.

He shook his head, forcing himself to break the intense eye contact between them, and giving Rei a quick hug before he got on the train.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Rei-chan."


	21. Honesty

"Kisa, we need to talk."

Kiyoko was already in bed, and Kisa had just come out of the bathroom, freshly showered and changed into his sleep clothes.

Alarm flashed instantly across his face, and he sat on the edge of the bed next to Nagisa, who was staring at the floor and twisting his sleeve in his fingers.

"What's going on, Nagisa?"

"There's something I need to tell you. That I probably should have told you years ago, but I guess I never had a reason to. Until now."

His heart was pounding, and sweat was starting to bead at his temples. He'd never cared one way or another about confrontation, but this was different.

This was life-changing.

He looked into the eyes of the man he'd spent the last twelve years of his life with. Those piercing blue eyes that were the first thing he always saw when he looked at Kisa, eyes that were now teeming with unbridled fear.

"I'm in love with someone else, and Kisa, I want to make sure you know that nothing has happened with this other person, I've never cheated, I would never... I would never do that to you. But it's not fair to you, for me... to stay with you when I have these other feelings..." Nagisa had never been one to mince words, or beat around the bush, but in that moment, he regretted speaking out so bluntly. His hands were shaking, and clammy, and he wiped off the sweat on his pajama bottoms. He couldn't bring himself to look at Kisa.

"I'm sorry." He said into the deafening silence, huffing out the breath he'd been holding.

"Nagisa. I'm not going to tell you it's alright, because it's not. But I already knew. I've always known."

He felt his mouth drop open idiotically. "What?"

"I knew, and I was selfish. I kept you all to myself anyway. I couldn't bare to let you go, even though I knew it would be better for you. Because I knew that if I let you go...Well, you know how the saying goes. 'If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it was always yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.' I knew you wouldn't come back, because you were never truly mine. So I settled. We both did, but in very different ways. I always loved you, with everything I had. And I always hoped that one day, you'd love me the same way I love you. But I knew this day would come."

Nagisa hadn't realized he was crying until Kisa wiped the tears from his cheeks with a shaking hand. "Nagisa, it's going to be okay. I'm just happy I had all the time with you that I did."

"I'm so-sorry that I couldn't give you more," Nagisa choked out. "You deserve so much more, someone that can love you like you deserve to be loved."

Kisa wrapped an arm around Nagisa's shoulders and pulled him close. "Shh. It's alright." 

Nagisa couldn't believe that even in these circumstances, Kisa still managed to be gracious, comforting, and put Nagisa's feelings before his, even as he was getting his heart broken. Even as Nagisa was breaking his heart.

"I'll s-start packing up my stuff tomorrow. I can move back with my parents until I find a place. I can talk to Kiyoko...if you want me too, I don't know..."

"You don't have to rush. I understand that you want to start your life over as soon as possible, but I'm not throwing you out. You don't have to rush. We can talk to Kiyoko in the morning, together."

Nagisa nodded, rubbing his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt. "Well... Good night, Kisa." He stood from the bed and padded over to the door.

"Where are you going?" Kisa's eyes were even brighter than usual, shimmering with the tears he'd successful held back, until now. He patted the bed next to him. "If you're okay with it, you can stay here. You don't need to sleep on the couch. Can we sleep next to each other, one more night?"

Nagisa swallowed hard against the new lump forming in his throat. He nodded, and laid down next to his husband, his best friend of twelve years, letting him lace his fingers with his own.

Neither one of them slept for hours, but neither one of them spoke. They just lay with one another, one last night.


	22. Snapshots

 

Rei and Nagisa went out for dinner the next evening, but food was the last thing on Nagisa's mind. He couldn't still still in the leather booth, constantly jiggling his leg or fussing with his chopsticks. Rei had asked him if he was alright a total of five times so far, and he'd replied affirmatively each time. Because he was alright. He was more than alright. He just couldn't wait until after dinner, when he would be able to tell Rei his news. 

There was no point in telling him during dinner. They'd both had long days; Nagisa had been at work since eight, and Rei had helped his parents clean out their garage. If Nagisa executed the big reveal over dinner, neither of them would end up being able to finish their food.

So he waited (im)patiently until the check came, and then set down some money and reached across the table to rest his hand over one of Rei's. He stared at their hands for much too long before speaking, studying how different they were. Nagisa's were petite, with short fingers and cuticles that were red from picking. Rei's were larger, elegant looking, with tendons rippling beneath the skin and manicured nails. But for all their differences, they looked perfect together, like they existed to hold on to one another.

"Rei. I left Kisa."

He stopped staring at their hands just in time to see Rei's eyes widen behind his glasses, his mouth drop slightly open, to witness Rei becoming overwhelmingly flustered  in true Ryuugazaki Rei fashion.

"Y-you what? Nagisa-kun?" Nagisa saw Rei's eyes flick down to the hand on the table in front of him, see the fourth finger empty, but with an obvious strip of paler skin showing that there had been a ring there very recently.

"I told Kisa the truth. That I'm in love with you. I'm moving back in with my parents for the time being until I can find an apartment of my own."

Nagisa knew there shouldn't be a smile spreading across his face as he delivered this news, he knew that most people would probably be crying, but he couldn't help it. He was giddy.

"Nagisa-kun, I- I don't know what to say."

"It's okay, Rei-chan." He took Rei's hand in his and brought it to his lips, pressing them against the back of it and watching Rei's face instantly redden. Then he slid out of the booth, and cocked his head at Rei. "Let's go."

\---

They exited the restaurant hand in hand, but only made it down to the next street corner before Rei paused. Nagisa had only a second to wonder why they'd stopped moving before Rei grabbed Nagisa's other hand and pulled him close, into a tight hug. Nagisa wrapped his arms around Rei in return, nuzzling his head against Rei's chest.

"I love you," he murmurs into Rei's coat. He's met with silence and looks up to see Rei's eyes shimmering with tears. "What's wrong, Rei-chan?"

Rei doesnt answer, he just lifts his hand to the side of Nagisa's face, his fingers in his blond curls and his thumb caressing the soft skin. Nagisa leans into the touch, his eyes closed and his cheeks hot. 

The next thing he knows, he's standing on his tiptoes and Rei is leaning down and their lips are finally, finally meeting. Nagisa's head is spinning and his chest feels full enough that it might burst with happiness. It's similiar to the kiss back in high school, because it's _Rei_ that he's kissing, finally, and he's just so _happy_ , but that's where the similarities end. There is no alcohol, there is no dare, it's just them. Just the two of them, holding each other close on the streets of Iwatobi at dusk, so wrapped up in each other they don't feel the biting wind, don't notice the stares of passerby.

\---

"Shhh, Nagisa-kun, you have to be quiet!" Rei hisses and presses a finger against his lips as Nagisa giggles at his many failed attempts to unlock the door to his parent's home. 

It's obvious by his fumbling and nervousness that Rei has never snuck anyone in a house before.

Nagisa however, is a pro.

He slips off his shoes and holds them in his hand, staring at Rei until he follows suit. He tilts his heads and starts tiptoeing towards the stairs, Rei following behind him. They make it up the stairs with only a few small creaks of the wood, which have Rei panicking and Nagisa waving his hand dismissively.

Once they're in the room, Nagisa collapses on the bed, hand pressed against his mouth to stifle his laughter. "Have you really never snuck in or out of your house, Rei-chan?"

"No, I most certainly have not! I've never needed to, nor have I felt the desire to go against my parent's rules." Nagisa snorts and sits up, grabbing the front of Rei's shirt and pulling him in for another kiss.

Nagisa doesn't go home that night.

\---

"Rei-chan, do you have to back to Nagoya? I don't want you to leave!" Nagisa is pouting slightly, his head resting on Rei's chest, his hair tickling Rei's nose whenever he moves around. They're laying on Rei's bed, not having had to sneak in this time. Rei's parents had welcomed Nagisa into their house with open arms, not having seen him in years.

"I'm sorry Nagisa. I don't want to leave either, but I have to go back to my job." He kisses the top of Nagisa's head.

"Couldn't you just get another job in Iwatobi?"

Rei sighs. He's answered this already. "This job is one of the best I'll be able to get in my field with the level of education that I have. It pays very well, and has good benefits."

Nagisa doesn't answer, just snuggles closer to Rei.

\---

"I'm going to miss you so much." They're standing in front of Nagisa's parents house after spending the day moving his stuff in.

"I'm going to miss you too, Nagisa-kun. Unfortunately, I have to go home now. I would love to spend the night with you but... I believe your parents would frown upon that."

"I'll see you in the morning, Rei-chan." After a parting kiss, he watches Rei walk away.

\---

Oh my god, it's so early," Nagisa greets Rei as he slides into the passenger seat after throwing his luggage in the trunk.

Rei kisses him and hands him a travel mug. "This should help."

"You brought me coffee? You're the best, Rei-chan!"

"Yes, obscene amount of sugar included."

Nagisa unbuckles his seat belt and leans over, laying his head on Rei's shoulder.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Rei pipes up, "Nagisa-kun, not to ruin the moment or anything, but if we don't leave soon there will be horrible traffic on the way to the airport and-"

Nagisa laughs and straightens up, starting the car. "You're totally right."

He takes Rei's hand with his right one and fits their fingers together, resting their joined hands by the gearshift. Rei swallows down a protest about the safety risks of that particular gesture and focuses on how warm Nagisa's hand is against his.

\---

"Nagisa-kun, move to Nagoya with me." They're stopped at a red light and Rei is staring straight ahead, hand clammy in Nagisa's.

Nagisa looks over at him, staring for so long that the light turns green and a car behind them honks.

"Rei-chan..."

"No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for asking. You have a job, too, I can't just expect you to uproot yourself and-"

"Rei-chan. I want to. I just have to think about it a little." He grins, and Rei's again swept away by his radiance, like he is each and every time Hazuki Nagisa smiles at him.

\---

Text to: Rei-chan (21:45)

I bought my ticket. I'll be there next Monday! <3

Text from: Rei-chan (21:52)

I cannot wait.

\---

"What are you doing here, Nagisa?"

Nagisa shuffles his feet on the doormat of the apartment he used to call home. "Can I come in?"

Kisa sighs and steps back, holding the door open. "Would you like some tea?"

"No, I'm okay. Thanks. Is Kiyoko here?"

"Yes, she's in her room."

Nagisa perches stiffly on the edge of the couch, the palpable anger coming off of Kisa has his stomach in knots.

"I just... I just wanted to tell you.. that I'm moving. Not very far away, but I won't be in Iwatobi anymore. So I wanted to visit you and Kiyoko before I left, say bye for now."

"Do you even think about your actions, Nagisa?"

Kisa's tone is sharp, glass grating against Nagisa's senses. "W-what?"

"First you leave us out of nowhere, and now you want to come say good bye?"

Nagisa has never heard Kisa's voice like this, tense, with rage and something almost like hatred lying just below the deep timbre of his words. "I thought... I thought... You told me things were okay.."

"That was a mistake. I thought I could be friends with you, I thought that's what I wanted but I've realized I want nothing to do with you. You led me on for years, Nagisa. I can't stand to look at you. I look at your face and I... I can't stop thinking of you with someone else. So I don't want to see you again."

Nagisa raises a shaking hand to his lips, blinks hard against the tears. He will _not_ cry. Not here, not now.

"I'm sorry." And with that, he stands up from the couch, and he flees.

\---

Text to: Rei-chan (6:52)

Boarding the plane now. See you in a few hours! :)

\---

Rei stood in the airport, tapping his foot anxiously. It had only been a little over week since he'd seen Nagisa, but he was already eager to see him again. After going eight years and then reuniting, any small amount of time without Nagisa would be painful, Rei had already come to expect that. He just wanted to hold him in his arms again.

He saw a familiar blond head passing through the gates, and found himself jogging towards him. "Nagisa!" he called, and Nagisa's head snapped up, breaking into a brilliant smile as he approached Rei. He set his luggage down and Rei hugged him, maybe a little too tightly, lifting his feet off the ground.

"I missed you so much," he mumbled against his windswept curls.

"I missed you too, Rei-chan!" He barely got the words out before his hands were on Rei's shoulders, forcing him to duck down a little so he could quickly capture his lips. "So much," he whispered when they pulled away.

Rei grabbed Nagisa's luggage and grabbed his hand with his other hand, leading him to his car, ready to start their life together in Nagoya.

\---

Rei's apartment was bigger than the one Nagisa had shared with Kisa, and well-furnished. A bit too monochrome for Nagisa, though. He decided he'd have to spice it up immediately with the brightly colored decorations he preferred. 

He had already set up a few interviews in Nagoya before leaving Iwatobi, and had high hopes that he'd be able to easily get a job here. 

The first two interviews were fruitless, but the third one was the charm. He got a job much like the one he'd had before, at a high school, but working in the nurses office as an on-site counselor. He helped students with anything from generalized anxiety, to home problems, and deciding on what career path they wanted to pursue. The job brought him a lot more joy than the secretarial position had, he felt he was actually helping children as opposed to mindlessly answering phone calls and sending out office hall passes.

\---

One evening a few months after Nagisa had moved in, Rei came home a little late bearing dinner, and opened the door to find a sheepish Nagisa sitting on the couch.

"Nagisa...what's going on?" His smile grew and he truly looked like the cat that ate the canary.

Speaking of cats... Rei looked down to Nagisa's lap, where his hands were cradling a small orange kitten. 

"Nagisa..."

"Please can we keep him Rei-chan?! He was sitting outside our door when I got home, and he was all dirty and looked super sad! I gave him a bath and fed him and he's so much happier now. Please Rei? Look at his little face!" He smiled up at Rei in true 'I'm going to get my way' Nagisa fashion, and the kitten mewed and nuzzled against Nagisa's chest, and Rei knew he wasn't going to say no.


	23. Rings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the change in the tags before proceeding.

They were happy. 

Truly, blissfully so.

Nagisa couldn't recall a time he'd ever felt this way.

He still did the same things as always; he worked, he came home, either he or Rei cooked, and then they spent time together before going to bed. But with Rei it felt new, exciting. He looked forward to going to work, and he looked forward to going home. He was never bored. There was passion between them, so much so that sometimes it felt untamable. They longed to be around each other, even if it just meant sitting on the couch together doing separate activities, or going for a moonlit walk, sharing stories of their day between warm cloud soft breath in the cold night. Being in each other's presence was enough for them. It always had been.

The one cat turned into two, when another wandered onto their doorstep a few years later. The orange one was Izumi, and the black one was Ryouma. They slept cuddled up, one on each side of the bed. Rei had protested about even letting Izumi on to bed when they first got him, but that only lasted a few days. Both the cat, and his partner, were immovable.

They didn't get married. Neither one of them felt the need to. They were content in their relationship, with no desire for anything to change. Though one Christmas Rei did buy them each a silver ring, which they wore on cords around their necks. 'A promise,' he called it.

"A promise to love you, always."

Nagisa never took it off, not even to shower.

 

* * *

 

 

Years later, Rei sat in his living room. He was curled up on the couch, a book in his lap and fuzzy violet socks on his feet. Ryouma and Izumi were stretched out on the cushions next to him, purring contentedly. He absent-mindedly scratched Izumi's stomach, only pausing to turn the pages of his book. 

He was staring at the pages, and turning them, but he wasn't actually reading. The words were swimming on the page before his unfocused eyes. He was daydreaming. Daydreaming of the time when he was purely, blissfully happy. The days when he'd had Nagisa curled up on the couch beside him, playing games on his phone while Rei read. How he'd been happy just to have him close, running his fingers through his hair.

He was forty five. Much too young to be sitting alone in his apartment, occasionally rubbing the ring that rested between his collarbones, the cord slightly threadbare, but he was reluctant to change it. He and Nagisa had picked them out together at an arts and crafts store, and he'd taken great joy in watching Nagisa painstakingly braid the cord to make it more durable. He'd been so concentrated, sitting cross legged on the floor with his tongue poking from between his lips, appointing Rei as the cat-shooer whenever they got too close or tried to bat at the dangling cords.

Rei could almost see that scene now, he remembered it so clearly.

Rei sat alone in his living room, debating, like he did every day, whether or not to add Nagisa's ring onto his own cord, or to leave it next to his picture on the table in the front room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there it is! I hope anyone reading is enjoying it. I had originally written an outline and this isn't how I planned it to end, but I'm happy with (crying over) the ending.
> 
> Also, I wonder if anyone caught the Love Stage!! and Character song duet references~


End file.
